Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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