I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
