last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Barsexuality is the new black.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
