My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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