Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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