Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
