I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
