im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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