Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
