we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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