there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
True strength comes from lack of pants
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
