There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
