If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
