There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
