just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
