I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
