I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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