so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
