and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
