do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
