We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
