I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
