If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
