i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
