My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
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