I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just want nice things and good sex
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
