Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
