you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
