Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
