Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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