I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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