I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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