he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
