She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
