This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
