Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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