ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
