why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
