During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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