i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
