I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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