Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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