its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
