Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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