I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I would ride that face into the sunset
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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