when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
