I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize