I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
