I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
