You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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